Daria (not her real name) was abused by her ex-husband for a decade.
Warning: This article includes details of violence in relationships.
Coercive control and physical violence escalated during their relationship.
"One night we were watching TV and he said: 'You know, you're so lucky I haven't killed you'," Daria, who is in her 30s, says.
"I just looked down at my hands and nodded. At that point I had already decided to leave."
While he was travelling overseas, she escaped. But leaving didn't equal immediate freedom.
"There was the obvious stuff I had to do — like moving, making new bank accounts, new emails, getting a new phone number," Daria says.
Trying to rebuild her life, while also keeping herself safe, was challenging.
"I was functioning on two hours of sleep a night, I suffered PTSD — I had horrible nightmares and panic attacks," she says.
Daria is now in a loving relationship and says she "is in awe" of how far she's come.
Renata Field, Domestic Violence NSW's policy, research, and advocacy manager, says people who haven't experienced domestic and family violence can underestimate the time it takes to fully heal.
"And I don't think people really understand the lengths people go to, to try and resist the violence they are experiencing, by creating safety for them and their families," she says.
The most dangerous time
The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves.
"In NSW, we know the majority of protection orders are breached in the first 24 hours," Ms Field says.
"People who have experienced violence take extreme and very clever safety measures to ensure they are protected as well as can be."
She says those efforts can be longstanding, sometimes spanning decades.
Daria had a steady income, and no children, at the time of her escape. As hard as it was, she considers herself lucky in the circumstances.
Many people fleeing violence face homelessness and poverty.
Especially victim-survivors in minority communities who have additional barriers, such as migrants and refugees, and members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
"To leave a partnership that's abusive is a really difficult choice for many, and one reason is they may not have the finances on their own to live a free and safe life," Ms Field says.
Immediate protections many are forced to take when leaving a violent relationship include moving to a safe place. For some, that may be their car.
"We have hundreds of people [in NSW] who access temporary accommodation every night because of that reason," Ms Field says.
They may destroy their phone because they're worried about tracking apps, change passwords and close bank accounts, for example.
Ms Field says this is all while trying to access critical services, such as specialist domestic violence support and Centrelink, as well as addressing physical and mental health issues related to the abuse.
Efforts from victim-survivors to stay physically and emotionally safe are long-term.
"They might go to many measures to hide their identity, their address, and make sure they aren't seen publicly," Ms Field says.
One victim-survivor we spoke to for background told us she employs a private investigator to keep track of her perpetrator's movements.
Maintaining ongoing safety doesn't just impact the primacy victim-survivor, but their family too.
"I spoke to a woman recently who couldn't register her child in certain community sport, as she had a PO Box she would give public, and the form needed a residential address," Ms Field says.
'Fixated on continuing harm'
Daria says leaving was made somewhat easier by her perpetrator being out of the country, but he still found ways to harass her.
He would impersonate Daria using different email accounts, sending damaging emails to her co-workers.
He shared details, including her tax file number, with doxxing websites.
While all of this breached the protective order, Daria says there was nothing police could do while he wasn't on Australian soil.
Jacinda (not her real name) similarly experienced her abusive ex-boyfriend finding ways to contact her, despite taking steps to protect herself.
Threats of violence escalated when the relationship ended, so she moved cities.
"Police couldn't help. I had to pack up my life. Whatever didn't fit in my car, that was it. It was donated or binned," she says.
Jacinda changed her phone number, deleted social media, and wouldn't share her real name in some circumstances.
Months after leaving she noticed he had been making small payments into her bank account.
"I didn't notice at first because it was small amounts. One time he put in $3.60," she says.
"He would put notes in the reference."
Ms Field says people who use violence can be fixated on continuing to cause harm and having control.
Services will go 'above and beyond' to help
The contact attempts from Jacinda's ex eventually came to an end, and Jacinda has been able to rebuild her life.
She's happily engaged with a new partner of seven years and working in a job she loves.
Daria says she rarely thinks about the past abuse anymore and can't believe she "has it this good".
Ms Field says while it's always challenging to leave a relationship, or to change a relationship dynamic for one that is safer and healthier, it's an important step.
"There's a lot of freedom and autonomy and happiness that can be found in that path."
She says there are many services available to support victim-survivors, and while they are often underfunded, the people there will go "above and beyond to help".
"There are also great supports available for marginalised communities ... who often face additional barriers."
To connect with a service local to you, phone 1800 RESPECT.
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