How I talk to teenage boys about rejecting toxic masculinity

When Mufaro Muneri faces a classroom of teenage boys and tells them "it's OK to cry", he usually spots a few eye rolls.

But after a day of discussing the harms of toxic masculinity, and challenging gender stereotypes, the 28-year-old from Melbourne receives plenty of handshakes — and hugs.

Mufaro works for Man Cave, a not-for-profit that describes itself as a preventative mental health and emotional intelligence charity, empowering boys to become great men.

It runs programs in schools across Victoria and New South Wales.

Mufaro is also working alongside Respect Victoria to encourage men and boys to work together to prevent violence against women.

We spoke to Mufaro about the work he's doing. These are his words.

What inspired you to get into this work?

During lockdown I was listening to a podcast and the CEO of Man Cave, Hunter Johnson, was a guest.

He was talking about how we don't really have a way for young boys to grow into manhood.

I was so blown away, thinking, "I wish we had this kind of program in school."

I went to an all-boys school, and there was a high rate of suicide. If we'd had these kinds of talks, maybe I'd be sitting at the pub with some of those guys now, talking things out over a drink.

I started following The Man Cave and one day they were accepting applications.

It's an inclusive charity where we welcome all people from backgrounds and gender — that appealed to me.

In the job I talk to boys about masculinity, and how sometimes we feel we have to resort to certain behaviour to prove it.

That can range from simple school banter, to getting into fights. It might look tough, but that's not really tough.

I find doing the workshops a powerful experience.

You sit back when you get home and think, "That was such a beautiful day."

What are some of the gender stereotypes you address?

The biggest one is definitely getting the boys to understand it's OK to show emotions. It's OK to cry.

I show them instead that they can talk to each other. It's important to seek help.

It's OK to text a mate or talk to a teacher, for example. Say you really need to talk to someone.

I talk about suicide stats and how important it is to listen to yourself, and others, and prioritise mental health.

I also explain that when you hold in emotions [because of traditional gender stereotypes], that can sometimes lead to violence. And that violence could be towards someone you love, like a partner.

It's about trying to dismantle the idea that violence is normal.

How do you help boys feel confident to call out sexist behaviour?

I ask the boys to reflect on moments they might have seen — perhaps it was boys having some banter about a girl.

They might say, "I could have stepped in." That reflection can encourage them to do better next time.

It might be as simple as saying, "Please don't say that. That doesn't align with my values, and I don't want that to be your values either."

I used to work at a bar, and there would be times I'd see men talking to women aggressively. Or see them crossing her boundary.

With the tools I have now, I could have intervened. We can all benefit from this kind of reflection. 

We tell the boys, "Don't be afraid to speak up. Stepping up is better than stepping back."

How have you grown since working in this space?

Since starting this job, I have been able to express my emotions better.

I used to bottle things up. If someone called me a racial slur (my parents are from Zimbabwe), I would just laugh it off.

Deep down it hurt me.

Now I'm able to say, "I'm not sure you understand how that crossed my boundary. I don't like that."

It's beautiful to be able to hold that space for someone else, and myself.